Training Day 34 of 71: Sukha and Duhkha

Friday night when I was preparing the apartment to host book club I had an unfortunate accident. As Dylan helped me lug my love seat down the stairs, I lost grip and dropped a corner of it on my big toe. The sharp jab of pain took my breath and watered my eyes and I suddenly felt dehydrated. That always happens when I experience pain, I suddenly feel so thirsty. I put a bag of frozen peas on the toe and sat there for a while wondering how it would effect my training. I was supposed to run 14 miles the next day.

The following morning the toe was swollen and bruised. I was privately relieved that I had a good excuse not to go running because same as last week, I was sort of dreading it and afraid what it would do to me. Instead I went over to my friend Carrie's and we did some gentle yoga and ate sushi and painted our nails and did art projects and went to Venice for a crawfish boil party where people were getting tattoos in the garage and local bands were playing in the back yard. As I stood there swaying to the music I began to feel annoyed at my wimpiness. Did I think marathon running was going to be easy? No. That's why I wanted to do it. Because I knew it would be a challenge for my body and mind. Because I wanted to see if I could overcome that challenge. It may be hard and uncomfortable to do the actually running, but the feeling of pleasure and satisfaction that comes with it is so worth it. So I told my toe that it'd have to get it together for the next morning.

Sunday morning came and I was up to the challenge (see photo of toe taken Sunday morning). I planned a 4.5 mile loop right near my apartment that I would do 3 times (plus a few extra blocks) to add up to 14 miles. It was about 10:30AM when I got out there and the sun was no joke. But I did it. Around and around I went. Past people eating brunch and little shih-tzus on leashes. I bought a cup of lemonade from some kids on a corner and gulped it down, then felt it coming back up a couple miles later. I just thought, if I keep going, eventually this will be over and the discomfort I feel now will turn into satisfaction. And so it did.

I'd like to look at three different yoga sutras in terms of the experience of taking on the long run. In Chip Hartranft's translation sutra 2.6 reads, "The sense of 'I' ascribes selfhood to pure awareness by identifying it with the senses." Sutra 2.7 reads, "Attachment is a residue of pleasant experience." Sutra 2.8 reads, "Aversion is a residue of suffering." Sukha is pleasure, Duhkha is pain, and the point of these three sutras is to illuminate how the mind affirms its sense of identity through clinging to pleasurable experiences and avoiding painful ones. In Yogic philosophy both the attachment to sukha (pleasure) and the aversion of duhkha (pain) keep you bound to a limited and incomplete version of yourself. Instead of stepping back and welcoming all into the experience of our isness (for lack of a better word) we are constantly trying to edit our lives in the image of pleasure and in avoidance of pain. Which ultimately keeps us bound in this identity, or "ego" as it's often called. And as long as we are bound to the ego's idea of happiness, we cannot access the harmony and peace that exists beneath the ripples of daily life.

In Sri Swami Satchidananda's translation of the sutras he explains, "In this world, all experiences that come from outside through the world, through nature or material things, are ultimately painful. None can give everlasting happiness. They may give temporary pleasure, but they always end in pain. Even the enjoyment of our present pleasures is usually painful because we fear its loss." So basically, instead of plucking the pretty flower as we pass by, maybe just let it be. Instead of trying to recreate the perfect date, maybe simply let it slide into the past. Instead of trying to patch up our pain with pleasures, maybe just witness the whole operation. Because really, it's all just time passing. That's what I was thinking about on Sunday around mile 10. I was thinking, in an hour all this will be over. Whether I finish it or not. So I may as well finish it, because what else am I doing? You know?